i find myself missing the old blog. though mainly i really like how it looks when you have that long sexy list of months below archives. oh my soul. whatever will i do. confuse the onlookers with general mixedupppeddnessss. sort posts according to their affective valence. color scheme appropriateness. admit that truly originally i was right all along. stay real. cool. true to your pseudocomputer orange and gray roots. toot toot. two blogs. one person times two sets of excessive introspection...equals...glorious unfilled time. narcissism. solipsism. circular thinking. something something. appeal to a wider audience. dualism. drip drip drip. poisonous thoughts. the underbelly. a literalized metaphor for indecision. bad computer posture.

as i walked home from a drop in meditation class, the phrase echoed through my head: I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED! referring to the rain perhaps. or the world at large. or my very own mumble bumble head. thus it spoke. she did.

nothing nothing nothing.

not one bit!

hellodarling.motime.com

kudos, herr hesse, on writing steppenwolf. kind of embarrassing to identify with such the old man character. but i suppose it is only appropriate. since probably everyone else does too. or at least all the confused snobbish people like me. arf.

recently achingly cold with my soaking wet pant legs from a few blocks of rain walking followed by an hour and a half of the "annual meeting" draped in said soaking wet pant legs. eek. sitting silently on a couch edge listening to the talk of the fellow folk. right. silence as per usual behavior. frustration at the non friends who are such friendly ones. frustration at wanting somewhat to forsake my treasurerly status mixed with a sense of potential...connection, learning, help out hoo ha. possibly bullshit. but how absurd. it has been a year. i have made little in the way of actual connection beyond pitter patter, tip tap, and today given a book store gift card thingy as objectified thanks for your help (which is very charming). though i have to process the receipt for it. funny. though i imagine the sitting soaking evaporative cooling sinking the cold deep deep into my shins while the moisture soaks further up to the thighs all shivery plus gettin on to be late made this frustration all the more dark and dense.

so let me see. i had this revitalizing shimmy o'er the weekend. i am not sure if i should record it perse. well. vaguely. i ended a three year abstention from a certain something so scarring in my latter youth. and rather nauseating when considering some aspects of the culture it had spawned. but it felt like the right time. and i think it was. the soft stepped dance adapted nicely, how unsettling yet satisfying to find oneself also speaking so easily. like a normal social being without that hard little box of circular self defeating thoughts that extinguish all potentially voiceable somethings before they become a something at all. though regardless, guarded, i am told by the long conversant partner of the night (the most recent manifestation of the thirty year old man who is pleasant to talk to, expresses vague interest in me through such abiding attention, but to whom i am a little off putting for being a bit off put and suspicious of the thirty year old who rigmaroles with the wee ones such as me..well though i am not so so wee and i am a nice enthusiastic one when not expecting conversation partners to interest and adhere; though the question i ask myself is whether to initiate continued communication as i am the only one with such information). so yes. there was music and dancing. conversation. but i am reminded how snooty and dastardly i am judging from how my guarded eyebrow raising person avoidant ways persist even when halfway breaking the ooshy gush chemical fast. so what can i say?

well. apparently my verbosity came back. at least for a little bit. since i can say a fair amount of typewritten patter for peppering neglected ignored yet still kicking blog space.

oh, but perhaps i should note the wondrous part. yes? the single person i knew at that party--a goofy woman elaborately colored (as was her friend)--declared her intentions to visit the happy hot tub place in the morning (the party being in oakland where i had taken the last bart train the night before) and invitedme along. yahoo. so yes. the very hot soak in the very hot tub. plus the weird long haired thirty year old came along and i rode in his overly elaborate two sunken sunken seated sporty car. eek. this placed within the context of three rides generously offered to be back to the city. i was most pleased and grateful.

in fact i have been spoiled with car rides to my abode in the past few days. as yesterday too i attended this funny holiday potluck party shebang at the pottery studio for which i prepared a fine bean salad. stood awkwardly since i never speak to anyone when i am working. but did ultimately have some fine chit chat with a teacher and teacher's husband and the psych professor husband of ths lady i occasionally would talk to and this oldish asian boy scout dad who makes big clay horses and one of the girls who was in the two classes i took there who it turns out is from ohio. oho. plus this high school art teacher fellow who showed me his curious funny work with clay (a woman with torso made of the broken dishes from a friend's fight with her husband over thanksgiving issues, many butterflies made from a mold from actual butterflies, a woman eyeing the small angel she had just mashed with her hand and had managed to cover her in its green gooey insides) and the found objects hoarded in his studio space. yay hoarding. and also yay to him that hoards and then drives me home. yes yes. i adore rides home. though perhaps put off the pseudo friend this evening for whom i clapped my hands upon arrival at my home in his fine dry on the inside car vehicle. right.

so this completes it tonight. unexpected verbosity brought on by cold body, intensified frustration, b vitamins, herman hesse, that second cup of coffee, making three big clay bowls tonight (alriiight), that old ache to tell someone the somethings even when the someones are removed unreading unwriting self centered self indulgent little reflections of me (or not of course).

good evening, december.

so, fuck. it's december. spooky shit, as my russian friend might have said. i am not sure what happened to this past year. it simply disappeared. erp.

i seem, lately, to be neglecting my housemate duties. and other self care extras. such as, well, the plucking of the eyebrows. cleaning up my room. i am getting distracted by grocery stores (why yes, i think i spent two hours at rainbow grocery on monday). somehow staying an extra hour and a half at work has thrown off my old post work schedule into a mild disarray. i keep stopping off at places on the way home (well i must admit the special privileged feeling at going to yuppie grocery stores or the free naked special very hot hot tub place, or the pottery studio) til suddenly it's sevenish. so i get home, eat, sit at table not wanting to move though otherwise chatting with roommate, somewhere in there i make tomorrow's lunch and prepare coffee maker, suddenly it's ten something and i still need to shower. eek. i ought to go to sleep now, but i got that typey woo woo itch and gave into it. so somehow i keep filling each inch of time. yet feel so unproductive. silly little divided pieces of me. this small chunk which chides me for putting off job search in earnest. also putting off the rewriting to professors and researchers to shiningly show them my interest in their work. all activities done previously without such wubbulous wee-sults. so i flounder and flail.
words falling flat. crudge. uck. stuck.

well i am not sure it is time to struggle worry push work force or give in let go hope for the best.  somehow there is some perfect combination of all of the above which would provide a most comfortable solution.  though usually i just run into inevitable contradiction.  indecisive paralysis.  wishing for floating.  but floating towards something. but what something?  ha ha.  always the trouble.  oh well. ok.  how cliche.  spoiled daughter made to work for too little of her spoils does not know what she wants or doesn't want.  plagued with irrational guilt.  liking pretty things.  wanting to pursue so-called interests.  wanting material simplicity (in theory). intellectual complexity (in theory).  too many interconnected tiny things to contend with.  a poor choice maker.  too many options.  clutter. pressure. same old confusion.  yo ho ho. 

aloha.  my little east coast hiatus is soon coming to an end.  eek.  i've been eastward since last wednesday after flying to cleveland for doctor's appointments, then to boston with the fam sort of for my uncle's fiftieth, more just to hang out.  glimpses of the olden college pals.  a few of them anyway.  heavy nostalgia frustrated efforts at happy birthday (also an angry mums whose irritations were left to stew in alcohol when i believed her declaration that she didn't mind me disappearing for the afternoon).  i didn't expect the actual extent of my nostalgia.  all those tangible reminders of the passing of time.  i did, however, turn 23.  it's true. 

unfortunately i am clearly anticipating the usual mild sadness plus desire to be alone that accompanies return from week long stays with family folk.  already those muffled contrasts between all this familial familiarity plus olden time comfort pal stuff and lonely san francisco existence.  i imagine the anticipation exacerbates it. but. quite tricky to stamp it out. 

but what a fine thanksgiving.  quite petite.  mums and i, we fashioned the meal.  for us two.  plus sis who arrived later after eating thanksgiving number one at boyfriends mum house.  it was nice to be the herb chopper and garlic crusher and i learned weird facts about mummy's pre dad love life.  all fairly very well though somehow quite exhausting.  we purchased miniature pies.  sexy rosemary and olive oil bread that no one ate but me.  finest turkey i ever did eat.  eep.

yes yes.  overcoming inertia.  break the stasis.  ack.  a fine little struggle.  or non struggle. 

alas.  the back remains a small mess.  must posturally reform.  make body stature stance change shape.  unfortunately our fine medical establishment sucks so it's all research and confusion.  bah.  a small mountain of stuff to look into.  so reading "the anatomy of hatha yoga."  perusing "the trigger point therapy workbook."  also "the healthy back book."  bah.  a bit absurd how the business of the body can be so consuming.  though maybe it is absurd that most people pay so little attention to our fine skin and bone and all things in between container.  i would like to think if i can manage over time to get my back and body back in favor with me and gravity it might free up a fair quantity of physical and mental energy to put to better uses than pulling my shoulders forward in this fine fearful self doubt posture or putting my hips in whatever strange spot that flattens my back and makes my knees hurt.  poo poo.  maybe even improve the quality of my mental state.  though that might be pushing it, yes?

it has been a long week and a half.  hoping to not be too startled by the return.  eek. definitely not looking forward to that enhanced attention to the great quantities of trash in the mission and the subtle smell of dried urine on the sidewalks. but there might be sunshine.  not so much of that over here.  oof. 

feeling not so filled with the thrill.  not much thrill to share.  but. hey.  who's reading anyway?

 

such revealing gestures. head in hands comes to mind. gestures to honestly express your interior. i want pity but i don't want pity. i am embarrassed that i am lonely and i am doing a poor job of it. and here my demonstrative blog. oh ooey gooey. i don't want to be told don't be so negative. as i tell myself this at every turn. stop stop stop. being so absurdly hopeless. oh yes. this one this time. right. ok. go. but those stilted gestures. oh. well. you see. a dour expression on my face made awkward by the effort to appear accepting comfortable or happy. at the very least an inoffensive neutrality. this tension between trying to fend off the dark stuff and attempting to keep up appearances is quite exhausting. the stupid apparent paradox, dear: self consciously attempting to keep up some neutral appearance while trying to tone down that self consciousness that eats at me--that one that tells me how awkward and uncomfortable and brow furrowing i seem. and am. some bloated beast of a theory of mind that intrudes upon proper and useful insight. oh. but. i am falling as i sit here. sleep. ok.

a 7 year old boy child of hippies with dreaded hair guessed my age as fourteen the other day.

dismay at seeing the tall smiling fellow who i imagine ought to be my friend as he was leaving and i was arriving. said fellow makes me feel rather awkward and nervous, however. and he is a most terrible speller.

a most californian thirty something declared himself most eager to escort me to a play. i said perhaps, as i do not trust people. i am most suspicious of everyone. still, the mystery remains, what of me draws these thirtysomethings into my orbit. perhaps it is a quality of san francisco that makes the older folk act younger. or a quality of thirtysomethings that makes me slightly more relaxed and conversant (this being a word that might not exist). but somehow said conversations are quite unthrilling. glub glub. oh, or, ahem, of course, my strikingly mature outlook. hoo ha.

my roommates and i have been playing boggle obscenely often.

yes yes. to bed she said. early.

spurts of blogging activity.

behold!

so i am tired.

i just fashioned and finished a meal of brussels sprouts and tofu, buttery, a smidge of shredded cheddar.

an all night and day upset stomach courtesy of a hastily eaten tuna melt followed by a white russian that i did not want but was bought for me by my roommate before i knew it. and i left their antics early because of it (a good decision after hearing of their further drinking, vomit, periods of lost time, etc). but no not so fun to be afflicted with the tummy beast when my drinking was quite light by comparison.

today i ate breakfast at the atlas cafe. perused the goods at the flea market. called people on my forsaken cellular telephone. a brief nap. worked the door for three hours at this visionary art shebang. return here for meal and rest. said shebang continues metamorphosed into dance party time and goes on til 4. eventual return at unspecified time.

a mundane rigmarole.

so it is odd. self imposed busy-ness lately. i find the time disappears quite quickly. november's startling appearance. without the change of season to provide a better guide. i find myself holding my old and new inner states up to each other. i have lived here for a year. a certain shift in comfort. a settling in. a little. by little. a bit.

but i think i expected too much of myself. so that inevitable guilt of not taking advantage of all there is to take advantage of. i am too much tired. and my body hurts every day. and i am embarrassed that there is all this and i only work thirty maybe plus three hours a week. and the insane disorganization and lack of progression amongst the low functioning kid folk with whom i work.

sleep is more appealing than more things than before.

i can't say i am sad perse. but i feel like i ought not to be as weak as i am. mentally and physically. and it all feeds off each other. the little pains consume all sorts of energy. sitting uncomfortably. shifting. discomfort keeps you at attention in a most unhelpful way. and i hate getting hurt at work. i hate the black bruise on my arm from being pinched. and i hate my feet sore from being stepped and stood on all day by a boy who understands but doesn't quite understand what he is doing. so you can do nothing. he does but doesn't quite understand punishment either. so. arrgh.

it would be nice to have a human to mentally and physically lean on for a bit. a trusted one. with patience. but mainly there is sleep and warm covers and cups of tea.

the autistic boy who scared me so on monday likes to hug you leaning his whole body weight against you. sometimes when he is upset he calms right down if he can climb on your back. though he is much too big for my back. i spent half an hour massaging his shoulders and his head to calm him down as he sat in the van.

my shoulders crack and rumble all the time.

ok. i am rambling. a short nap before i venture off again.

ahoy.

well i never wrote about the little adventure up to bolinas and point reyes at seven in the morning after out all night with the tall mostly stranger and the pretty smile complete stranger. with the beach and the forest and the hill and the green and the goo and dominoes, a puzzle, a meal, soaking the feet. it was all quite a treat. though exhausting. so. oh well. it has been a while anyway. a month.

a beastly fucking thing it will be if bush wins this game.

i went to nine sessions of physical therapy and felt a fair bit better. my last one was on friday. i managed to fall over after jumping out of a loading dock (yes, the old incarnation of the school where i work is attached to a warehouse with loading docks. safety first, right?) chasing after an angry big autistic boy who was on the verge of freak out all day. and so. my back hurts again so i am lying with under knee support. but goddamn it. really.

but it is interesting. this giant baby of a boy turns animal-like in his anger and i was genuinely afraid when after seeing his old classroom dark and empty (we have since moved into a new school across the street) screamed and roared and ran in that way he does when he is about to charge someone to clamp onto his or her shoulder with his teeth. so three of us ran around the corner in fear. and eventually went chasing after him. but it is never good to be quite afraid of the boy you are working with. how stressful.

last night i went to a meeting for this shebang i am helping with a bit. an art show/conference/dance party later on thing. but i intersected with this boy i met a while back with whom i split a cab in late september. and we walked and rode the bus home as a team since he is staying with friends nearby. this was very nice. i ought to have more amusing banter with cute and interesting boys wiith easy smiles whose presence makes me affable and comfortable. unfortunately most boys suck.

ahem.